Yesterday was my 40th birthday. I had big plans for 2020. Believe it or not, I didn’t dread turning 40 at all, rather I’ve been looking forward to it. The first four decades of my life I have spent entirely too much time worried about what others thought of me. I looked at 40 as a rite of passage, a license to do my thing, be my own person – and if people didn’t “get” me that was okay. I’ve spent most of my life being hard on myself, disappointed with myself (counting my failures rather than seeing my accomplishments), being so afraid of failure that I had become a perfectionist, often so paralyzed in my perfection I either didn’t start, or didn’t finish many things I have wanted.
Each decade brought hard lessons, heartache from relationships, and even some mistakes. By the time you get to forty, you’ve lived through so many seasons to life you begin to realize the world and your life is what you make it. I am going to be forty! I am a big girl now (haha)! I was feeling the optimism “Ok God, I’ve been around the block enough times to understand now how to handle some of those things life throws at you, and you and me Lord, we got this!” I looked at turning 40 in 2020 as a new start to a new me. Ridding myself of all the bad habits, the heartaches of my past, and the baggage of pain, fear and disappointments.
As a special needs mom and caregiver, I don’t take a lot of time for myself. As a family caregiver you pour everything you have into your loved ones needs and sacrifice your own. What you sacrifice ends up slowly breaking you down (self care, time away, relationships and identity outside of your care giving role) and neglecting all of that creates a snowball. I love them with every ounce of my being, but this milestone birthday had me realizing I couldn't neglect myself any longer. I knew that if I didn’t do something now, I couldn’t be my best for my family. This was going to be the year I was going to be better to myself so that I could give them better.
I had big plans leading up to my fortieth. I had plans to lose weight, get a new cute wacky hairstyle, my second tattoo, and have a girls' trip to Vegas. I wasn’t kidding. I told my best friend that I was going to be the best version of myself that I have ever been. I was going to eat right, start taking care of myself with new cute hair and makeup, and stop being afraid to pursue some of my passions and callings God has placed in my heart. I had visions of all this happening in the first six months to where my 40th birthday was going to be a celebration of my breaking out of the captivity of my fear of rejection and feelings of unworthiness.
Then something none of us in a million years thought would happen. The entire world flipped upside down in a matter of weeks, and it’s continued for months. As a high risk family we've gone into survival mode putting ourselves under nearly full quarantine for 4 months. We went from having an entire support system of healthcare, education, therapy, and support professionals - to being totally on our own, totally isolated 24/7.
As you can imagine. Nothing has gone as planned. I’ve only lost a few pounds, my hair is a messy work in progress, and quite frankly there was no “celebration” how I imagined it. We’ve already missed several family celebrations through quarantine. Our middle son’s birthday in April, our 15th wedding anniversary, my 40th birthday, and next week is our youngest son's 4th birthday. We’ve made the best of what we have, because that’s all you can do, and I promised myself I wasn’t going to be upset about it.
On my birthday yesterday, halfway through the day after the kids had been fighting, my youngest brought me a dead bird in the backyard (dreadful I know! A story for another time!), and my flip flop broke. I found myself sitting on the couch in tears as kids were in rooms getting time outs and Dan was bathing the youngest after the bird incident. It wasn’t supposed to be this way Lord. Every year I minimize my birthday and don’t do much. I just wanted this one year. One big celebration.
I started to worry that someone would come in the room and see me upset. I didn’t want anyone to feel like it was their fault or they let me down. None of us has any control of these circumstances. After a minute or two of tears I pulled myself together and reminded myself of everything we can be grateful for. That’s been our go to for our family through the most difficult of days. What are all the good things we have that we can be grateful for?
I decided to challenge myself. Forty things for my fortieth. I wrote out a list of forty things that I am incredibly grateful for in my life right now. It sounded like a lot, but surprisingly it went quick. I could have easily gone over forty. How amazing is that? To have that many blessings in life at a time where the world feels like it is falling apart around us. I’ve stared at, and read my list several times, in awe of everything God is doing and has already done in our lives, and in my life.
Things may not have gone according to my plan, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t still helping me to be the best version of myself I can be. At the end of the day, it's not about the cute hair, a new tattoo, or a trip that makes me confident to celebrate my life. It's about counting the blessings and remembering what is important; like the health and protection of our family, the time we have together, and our needs provided for. It's great to do fun things and celebrate, but it's even better to gain perspective, be content in your circumstances, and make the best of the journey God is bringing you through.
My fortieth was fabulous after all.
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